A recent article in Fortune sparked interesting conversation among women I know about whether or not female friends are helpful to each other when it comes to professional favors, hookups and connections. The premise is that women are fantastic when it comes to creating deep personal relationships and go out of their way to help each other but this support network falls apart when it comes to asking, and being asked, for anything in the professional realm.
“…despite the cultural moment female friendship is currently enjoying, the same strength, intensity, and deep connections being celebrated was also setting up a false dichotomy between personal relationships and the transactionality of business. Women told me that when they asked a friend for business, they feared it would damage their personal relationships, took rejection personally, and became gun-shy about making another pitch. Even well-qualified women who had no qualms about asking (and were quite adept at it) were often met with avoidance, a brush-off, or no reply at all. Women who received an ask from a friend said they didn’t expect their friends to hit them up for business and when they did, it sometimes caused an unspoken tension that dampened their enthusiasm for the relationship. Some even began to doubt the true motives behind the friendship in the first place. Others went so far as avoiding those who might ask for business later.“
In my own experience, I’ve been disappointed by friends who I felt were in positions to help me out with an intro or a freelance opportunity and did not deliver. However, with hindsight, I see that I was asking wrong—I put out a “soft ask” and waited for them to offer their help; When it didn’t appear I was hurt. I realize now that people are not mind-readers nor are they thinking about ways they can help you. The “hard ask” comes from a place of confidence and politeness but with ambition and determination. People respect and respond to that and are willing to focus and deliver.
While I hate to put a generalized gendered lens on things, it is a fact that men are comfortable asking unequivocally for a favor, a connection, a raise, a promotion— they don’t float a “soft ask”, they ask for what they want and get it. This behavior is simply understood as a type of currency and respected as such.
“ Doing deals with your buddies is a time-honored way to build your book of business. But women tend to struggle when it comes to mixing money and friendship, cutting themselves off from one of the most effective tactics in the constant struggle to get ahead. So why is it that we’re so hesitant to do deals with our friends—the very people we know have our backs?”
The good news is that I see women breaking this habit more and more in my interactions with professional women, and I love it! Women are good at building community and with record numbers of women founding and funding businesses there is a vibrant ecosystem of amazing women supporting each other. We all know the deck is stacked against us– we know that it’s harder for us to get our businesses funded, to get paid equally, to take on the lion’s share of family responsibilities while working, so we are creating a support structure outside of the male-dominated business world. We are creating businesses like The Second Shift whose mission is to help women remain engaged in the workforce by providing a tool for businesses to retain and attract critical female talent. No longer do I hesitate to ask anyone, male or female, for a “hard ask” because I know the stakes are too high and being soft is not an option. It’s time to #makeworkworkforyou!
Jenny Galluzzo
Co-Founder/ The Second Shift